Asphyxiation
by Angelbake
Summary: Suffocation, Choking, Pain, and Love. Hilde deals with her feelings for Duo. -- What??!?! Yeah, I've updated.
1. Bring back that lovin' feeling

And shall we disclaim? Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, Sotsu Agency, BanDai, etc. etc.

A.N. Okay, so my 2xH fics all sort of go together and it all has to start somewhere. I also liked the quote, though I can't remember who said it and where I got it. I don't think this fic is angsty, but there's certainly no sappy declarations of love (at least none spoken aloud). Let us proceed . . .

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Asphyxiation

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Love makes the time pass.

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She was suffocating.

Literally. 

As she stood there looking into the make-place office, her eyes were beginning to tear up. Her chest expanded painfully and she could feel her heartbeat thumping in her throat. Her lungs refused to cooperate with the natural process her body needed it to fulfill. Hilde Schbeiker was suffocating and it was her fault. _The poor girl was choking on love._ Strange, how no one else seemed to realize she was in dire need of oxygen-rich reciprocation. Of course, her only roommate was her business partner . . . and the object of her affection.

This hadn't always been a problem. When she first met Duo Maxwell, she hadn't fallen in love with him, that's for sure. And how long ago was that again? What, about three years? She was fifteen when she first ran into him, or rather, ran after him. Now she was eighteen. Three years and two wars.

Three years and two wars, and it had taken nearly as long for her to realize she was in love with the silly soldier. Granted when she first met him, she was recruiting volunteers for OZ and they were in the midst of a war. Sure, she thought he was cute, but she wasn't exactly looking for a date. Then after the whole debacle where she'd helped him on the moon, they met up again and moved in together. Duo never asked how she made it out of OZ and she'd never volunteered the information. Even then, when they began living together, Hilde was just trying her best to resume a normal life and help Duo do the same. She wasn't even in love with him when she broke into Libra. That was all about helping the colonies and those who were protecting the colonies. Which was what she was trying to do in the first place when she was a soldier under OZ. Then the next war started up, and well, she was in no position to help out that time, still recovering from injuries as she was.

No, Hilde's past was rather chaotic, and it wasn't until she'd had time to settle down to a period of peace that she could recognize the feelings she had for her roommate were beginning to be . . . a little more than platonic. Not that she was ready to announce her warm and fuzzy feelings to Duo just yet. The boy was good for a laugh, and she didn't want to be the object of one of his jokes. She didn't want him laughing at her. Hilde wasn't certain how he felt about her – other than he thought she wasn't strong enough to fight and should just fix him dinners. _The nerve_. Face it, Duo was clueless. Either he couldn't see that his best friend was falling madly in love with him, or he knew and didn't feel the same way, so he chose to ignore it. She had a sinking feeling it was the latter. 

Yes, he was silly beyond reason, a mite insensitive and chauvinistic, not to mention lazy, but Hilde thought he was just wonderful. The fact that he most likely saw her as only skinny, cooking, foolish little Hilde hurt, though. And it was the reason she kept all her feelings inside. It was why every time she saw him, she just wanted to shout, "Duo, I'm in love with you!" But didn't. And all the pent-up feelings and swirling emotions rose in her heart and threatened to choke her each time.

She was suffocating. And although just being around him satisfied her craving to see him, it just wasn't enough anymore. She needed reciprocation. She needed to know he was suffocating too. Every day that she tried to get a little closer and noticed him backing off restricted her windpipe a fraction more. Why, if she spent one more month in this small apartment with Duo, she would be a goner.

Which was why Hilde Schbeiker had to get out. As she stood just inside her office, her teary eyes blurred her vision and she could barely see her ticket away from Duo. She knew it was there on her desk, though. She'd put it there earlier when she got the mail. The response from the Business College to which she'd applied months ago.

She'd never told Duo she applied. It was more of a fluke anyway. She'd just gotten back her score from taking a finishing school equivalency exam. She was so excited at her high marks that she wanted to see if she could make it into a proper college. At the time she reasoned that getting a degree from the specialized business program would help their business even more than her equivalency exam would. Besides, she was just pretending to be a normal teenager for once. Normal teens finished school and went to college. The war was over, why couldn't she be normal?

Now, as she wiped her face and hesitated to pick up the envelope, she wondered if she knew even then that she needed to get away from Duo.

The envelope was rather large. Either she was accepted, or the admissions office had a cruel way of rejecting applicants. _Maybe they gave consolation prizes._ Hilde approached the desk as though the envelope was a venomous snake. _Handle it with care. Nice and easy, don't arouse its suspicion_. She lifted it gingerly and turned it towards the light, hoping to get a peek of the papers inside. 

"What you doing?"

She jumped, causing a painful crick in her neck. Whirling around, she nearly bumped into Duo. "Duo, God, you nearly caused me to-to–" She got a good look at him. He must have just washed up from being in the garage. The hairs around his face were wet and he just looked so . . . fresh and well-scrubbed. He smelled nice, too. _Oh no_, she couldn't breathe. As Hilde stood there, mute, soaking up Duo's appearance, the ball of emotion lodged securely in her throat.

Duo noticed her tearing up and grew concerned, grasping her by her upper arms. "Are you okay?"

Hilde opened her mouth, trying to say something lighthearted to get him to leave her alone. Nothing came out but pathetic hacking noises. "Cho!"

"What?" Was that supposed to be a word?

"Cho-choking!" Hilde finally managed.

"You're choking?" Duo cried. He began to thwack her on the back, then recalled that that method wasn't actually helpful for choking victims, so he tightly wrapped his arms around her, attempting to Heimlich her.

Hilde flailed her arms wildly. He didn't understand. That wouldn't help. She closed her eyes and struggled to control her reaction to him. "Duo, Duo stop!"

Feeling relief at Hilde's recovery, Duo sighed. "Babe, what in the world happened?"

She shook her head and waved her hands vaguely, indicating that she herself didn't know. She was still holding the paper he saw her staring at. Quick as a thief, he snatched it from her hand. "Were you going through my mail? Is that why you jumped when I walked in? Maybe you were choking on your own guilt."

Appalled, Hilde protested, "Duo, you don't get mail. Give that back!" But she was too late, he was already scanning the envelope.

"College?" Why had a college sent information to Hilde?

The way he said that, "_College?_" rubbed Hilde. She snatched it back. "Yes, college."

"What do they want? Money? I didn't think colleges were sponsored by small businesses like ours."

"They aren't, moron."

"So why are they sending mail to you?"

She'd briskly walked out of the office, but he'd followed her. Upon hearing his last question, she turned on him. "Maybe," she started in a warning tone, "they're interested in having a good student attend their institution."

Duo frowned. What did that have to do with them? Wait a minute, no way, "Not you!"

That was the wrong thing to say, he noted, as her face turned pink and her eyes widened in outrage. "Why not me?"

"I didn't mean it like that, Hilde. Dammit, I know you're smart –"

"But not smart enough for college?" She was being defensive and snappish, she knew, but she couldn't help it.

He shook his head, searching for peaceful words. "What does it matter? It's not like you plan to go to college or something." She averted her eyes. "Or do you? Hilde?"

He almost sounded hurt, like she was betraying him or something. But she couldn't answer him, not yet. _Did _she plan to go away? She needed to get away from him for her own good, but she didn't want to. She held up a hand to him, signaling that the conversation was about to end with her last word. "I don't know, Duo."

He swatted her hand away. "What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I don't know. I need to think about it."

"What's to think about? What do you need to go to college for? We already run the salvage yard."

"Everybody doesn't go to college just to find a job." She continued down the hall towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, they do," he said, as if letting her in on a big secret she should've known.

"Some people just want to learn more about things."

"Then they should get out in the world and experience it, instead of sitting in a classroom listening to someone else's or reading about it!"

"Maybe I just want to go to college to see what it's like," she snapped.

"Babe, trust me, I pretended to do the whole school thing once – it's not all that great, really." He gave a weak laugh, but she didn't join in.

"Well, I wouldn't expect a delinquent such as yourself to appreciate the education system."

"Damn right." He opened the refrigerator under the guise of looking for something to drink. "So, what's really going on, Hilde?"

"I think I might go to college. This college." He pulled his head out of the fridge and stared at her. He knew the college. It was halfway across the colony. Hilde bit her lip, then continued, "I think this could help us out a lot. If I get a degree in business, I would understand the workings of our business a bit more, get it to run more efficiently, perhaps we'll be more successful, production would go up. Our dealings with other businesses may turn out more favorably. Plus, there's just more about business that I want to learn. It's really kind of interesting. But mostly, this is for us, the business, I mean. It's just a three year program, so–"

"Breathe."

She obeyed him and took a shallow breath. It was a torturous inhalation, though, because she was also fighting the suffocating effect she always experienced around him. Duo looked amused with her efforts. "You don't have to sell me, Hilde. I mean, I'm not the one going and I would never hold you back."

_Why not?_

Why didn't he care enough to want her to stay with him? Why couldn't he even show that he would miss her? When he left to fight, she'd been distraught. She cared enough to worry about his safety when she wasn't there to help him. She cared enough then to want him to be near.

"What?"

She hadn't realized she'd spoken those two words out loud. "I meant, why don't you consider going to school? If you became a licensed mechanic, you could probably charge more or get more business."

He laughed. "Everything I needed to learn, I learned it in kindergarten. Well, okay so I never went to kindergarten, but saying I learned it on the streets and from an insane scientist just ruins it." He scratched his chin. "And lets just be honest, you're not going to this fancy college for the biz, you're just trying to get away."

She just barely managed to keep her jaw from falling open. _How in the world did he know?_

"Not that I blame you," he continued, "This is the longest I've stayed in one place. Makes me a little nervous, too."

That sounded so lonely. Why did he insist on living such a lonely life, when he didn't have to? It broke Hilde completely, made her want to tell him that it was okay. It made her want to reveal all the strange feelings she'd started harboring for him. She wanted to tell him how much he meant to her. It made her want to–

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She had to get out of there.

"Well, Duo, you've got it all wrong." She was proud of her steady voice and its carefree, breezy tone. "I like to travel, but nothing beats having a home to come back to. I'm going to start on dinner, now. So . . . um, scoot."

He scooted, but not without a smug look. "Sure, Hilde."

She didn't move until she watched his braided hair swish behind him out the door. Then she pressed a hand to her racing heart and bent to place her head between her knees. What was this, hyperventilation now? Had she gone from getting the breath knocked out of her when he was around to having _too many breaths?_ She closed her eyes. _Get a grip, girl._

It was all out in the open, now. Duo knew that the Business College wanted her, and he knew she might leave. Now it was all up to her. Hilde stood up suddenly. The quick movement took its effect, the kitchen walls swirled around her. Peeling wallpaper and appliances danced in a nauseating circle, but the thoughts swimming in her head made her more dizzy than the sudden rush of blood.

_The college was practically across the colony._

She and Duo had lived together for three years.

Duo didn't care if she left, he expected her to.

But Duo had_ to have feelings for her! He just didn't know how to express himself._

She had to give him a chance before she made her final decision.


	2. 'Cause it's gone, gone, gone

And shall we disclaim? Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, Sotsu Agency, BanDai, etc. etc.

A.N. Eh, the chapters aren't consistent because this wasn't written with chapters, but I decided I wanted to chapter-ize it when I posted.

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"Shoot!"

Hilde sucked on the offended fingertip she'd burned lighting a candle on the table. Dinner was fixed, all Duo's favorites. She'd set the table with the nicer settings and was lighting candles to place in the center. Cursing her clumsiness, she struck another match and finished. The kitchen had a soft glow. 

Hilde smoothed her simple black dress. She'd also taken pains to make herself look good. Her face was subtly done with makeup, her hair was tamed and combed back. She wore her best dress. As she gave herself and the table a final glance, she noted the romantic inclination of the evening. _Had she gone overboard?_ Would Duo see her and the dinner and be intimidated? She'd built so much around this dinner that she was afraid she'd overstepped herself.

"Whoa, babe!" Duo came in through the kitchen door.

She smiled timidly. "Hey, I, uh, I fixed dinner."

"I see."

It was difficult to read his expression in the soft lighting. A mistake on her part, she realized. She couldn't afford to give up the advantage Duo's expressive eyes lent. Now she wouldn't know what he was thinking. She gestured to the seat across from her. "Sit down."

He scratched his head. "Um, yeah. Looks good."

Hilde shrugged. "When doesn't food look good to you?"

"When it's all primped and dressed up like in those fancy restaurants. Nevermind the fact that they only give you servings good enough for sample tasting."

She gave him a polite smile. "Well, I know better than to insult your stomach's capacity like that."

He grinned. They ate in silence.

Duo ate with relish, as always. He had to notice how tonight was different, but he didn't mention it. As she refilled his glass, Hilde couldn't take anymore of the silence. She set the pitcher down. "About the college . . ."

"Is that what's this all about? I thought so!" Duo exclaimed.

"You thought what?" she asked, carefully.

"It's like you're trying to butter me up so you can hammer in your decision," he chuckled lightly. "Hilde, I told you before, it's okay. I think you should go!"

"Shouldn't I stay?"

"For what?"

"For the business, to keep up the house, for you." Her voice had gradually lowered as she said her last words, and her last reason was a pitiful mumble. "For us."

"I can handle the yard just fine. Okay, so the files may get a little behind in organization, but it'll be fine." He watched as Hilde fidgeted, then occupied her hands with the pitcher again. She was pretty sure he'd heard every single one of her excuses, but his face didn't show. He shook his head in a patronizing fashion and contradicted her, "The house will survive, I promise I'm not as big a pig as you seem to think. I'll finally be able to live up the life of a bachelor!" 

She began pouring into her glass. His head tilted to the side, as though confounded. "I don't know what you're worried about. I'll make sure to eat vegetables and all that other stuff you seem to think is important for healthy living. You don't have to worry about me."

She stared at her glass, watching the liquid rise slowly as she poured. She heard Duo's words as though they were standing at opposite ends of a tunnel. Everything he said had an echo, reverberating endlessly, a cruel taunt to all her fantasies of happily ever after.

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Shouldn't I stay?

For what?

I can handle just fine.

I'll finally be able to live up the life of a bachelor!

You don't have to worry about me.

He didn't care. She could be here or there. He talked as if she was just taking the day off to goof around at a spa or something. _He didn't care._

"Hilde!"

"Hilde!"

She was jarred out of her thoughts. "Wh-what?"

"Your glass, you're spilling all the drink. Aren't you looking right at it?"

Hilde blinked. The drink was sloshing over the rim of her glass, staining the tablecloth underneath. Still, she allowed the drink to flow. Her glass was overflowing with red punch, like blood from a fresh wound. The sound of the liquid hitting the table was strangely reminiscent of gurgling. She'd bled that way before, blood coming up quicker than she could swallow. Her glass was bleeding as she poured more and more.

No, not bleeding. Her glass was overflowing. It was filled to capacity and then some, all air forced out. Her glass was choking. How strange. Glasses were meant to hold juice. How could it choke on its purpose? _Wasn't Hilde was meant to love and be loved?_

Together, they watched until Hilde poured the entire content. Duo wore an alarmed expression. He'd backed away as the punch reached the edge of the table and dripped steadily to the floor. She'd poured the whole pitcher into her glass, even after he'd pointed out to her that she'd overflowed. Then, as if everything was perfectly okay, Hilde set the pitcher down and brushed at her skirt. She fixed Duo with a strained smile.

"Duo, I'm leaving."

********

Everything was set. Her bags were all packed and littered the house in various corners. Her room was barren, except for the bed. She'd left some of her pictures taped up on the walls, in case Duo missed her. She doubted that was likely, though. He wasn't even home. She was leaving to go across the colony and her best friend wasn't there to see her off! The months before her departure date, they'd been uncharacteristically quiet around each other. They were civil, but their friendship lacked the open, relaxed comfortable feeling they usually shared. They didn't joke too often. They never mentioned the fact that she was leaving.

Hilde huffed, thinking about the complete rudeness Duo was showing. Did he care so little? She would miss _him_. She would miss him so much that she could feel that familiar suffocating feeling rising up again. She swallowed several times and tried to get herself in control. She was not going to doubt herself now. 

Outside the sun was shining in that perfect way that could only happen with simulation. Hilde watched as her taxi pulled into the driveway, and a tall, bulky man stepped out. He knocked on the door.

"Come in, the door's open!"

"Schbeiker? I'm here to pick up a Hilde Schbeiker for a long haul." The man's voice sounded as rough as his face looked.

"Yeah, that's me. Um, my things are there and there . . . and there." She gave him a weak smile. She would be spending about ten hours with this man on the road. As the man proceeded to load her luggage into the car, Hilde stifled the urge to shudder. She looked around one last time. The apartment was drab and still. Some of Duo's clothing lay across the arm of the couch. The stark black against the faded upholstery seemed to fit her mood. The color brought its wearer's face back to forefront, and Hilde wistfully thought of Duo once more. Memories of them laughing together, even fighting together, flitted through her mind in a panoramic slide show. Fear of the unknown future, sadness, and love – love after all that had happened – rose in Hilde's throat, the choking feeling back.

Outside the cabby was waiting, the artificial sun was shining, and the pretense of a brand new life beginning loomed. So Hilde made the decision to stop suffocating herself. 

She crossed the doorstep and took a deep breath.

+++

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Time makes the love pass.


	3. Call me up

And shall we disclaim? Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, Sotsu Agency, BanDai, etc. etc.

A.N. Wow! So, I'm finally getting around to writing something for this story. It's moving slowly, because the initial direction I wanted for this fic has completely changed. This is a new format for me, just trying it out. The quote is from a New Edition song, old skool. When they were teenagers, fresh-faced, and fruity as hell with jheri curls. But the video is funny. Ah, memories.

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Asphyxiation: Missed You

The First Semester

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Mr. Telephone Man, there's something wrong with my line,

When I call my baby's number, I hear a "click!" every time.

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_Hello, this is your Message Review Center. You have *1* new message and *2* saved messages. To view the first message, press 1. To skip this message and view the next message, press 2. To delete a message, press 3 . . . _

*Beep!*

August 5th, 3:25pm

"Um, hey. Not quite sure what I'm doing, but I guess I just wanted you to know I've been doing well. Classes are fun, if not exactly easy. They have the best simulated weather patterns on this side of the colony. I've been keeping track of the market, so I know the yard's doing well . . .

"I really wish you were home, instead of me leaving this message.

"I miss you. Call me back when you can, ok?"

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Click.

*****

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September 5th, 5:00pm

"Happy St. Joel's Day! Classes were actually cancelled today. I thought you would've called by now, but I guess business has kept you, uh, busy. That's great. I'm really learning a lot of useful stuff up here. I have, like, a million different ideas to improve the yard. Give me a call and we can discuss them. Okay?"

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Click.

*****

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September 19th, 4:36pm

"Hey, Maxwell. I'm beginning to feel a little stupid over here. Are you out of town or something? I was going to come home for mid-semester break, but this great opportunity to travel with the consulting firm of Bingham's came up. I'd be a fool to pass it up. It's great for networking. Bingham's headquarters are located on Earth, you know.

"You haven't returned my calls, so I don't know if the machine is broken, but I've written you some letters the ancient way. Do you know that your email isn't working? What's going on? You're starting to hurt my feelings."

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Click.

*****

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October 1st, 8:02pm

"Man, I don't know what to say. Sorry about the unreturned calls, babe. It's been hectic, had to hire a secretary to shovel out the paperwork. You're looking good, though. Sounds like you're really getting a lot done. I thought you'd have been home by now to catch my call, but I guess not. Don't worry about the whole mid-semester break thing. I've got plans actually, so it's all good. The business _is_ doing well. I'm thinking about expanding it, branching out. I'm feeling kind of stupid talking to a recorder, so I think I'll go now. Take care of yourself."

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Click.

*****

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October 2nd, 4:25pm

"I checked the time and date of your message and I'd just missed you. I stepped out to get some take out. It was so good to see you, even if it was a recording. What are your plans for my semester break? I'd have thought you'd still be working. Anyways, you didn't say if you got my mail and what's up with your email? There's a lot I want to tell you and like you said, I feel kind of stupid saying it all to a recorder. At least now I know you're getting them. For awhile I thought maybe you were ignoring me. I was beginning to feel a little desperate.

"Ahem. Expanding the business sound's good. Get into new aspects of the industry. You know how to do a lot more than salvage. Are you adding repair and service? That'll be good. Look at me, ha, did I tell you I'm thinking about doing my study emphasis in consulting and analysis? This whole Bingham's thing has me re-evaluating all my goals.

"It seems we're destined to miss each other. Call me, okay?"

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Click.

*****

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October 7th, 11:18am

"Aw, Hilde, why couldn't you be home? I hate this thing. I got your letters. It's great hearing from you - you're one of the few friends I have that actually stays in contact. But could you stop with the mail? Clarice keeps thinking they're love letters for some stupid reason, even though I've told her about you.

"Business is booming. That's actually what I'm doing around the time of your break - looking for new sites to open branches of the yard. Then I'm taking a personal trip afterwards. Have fun with the consulting trip; I'm glad you're finally doing what you enjoy."

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Click.

*****

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October 9th, 5:47pm

"Your messages are so brief, and um, brief. Wow, new locations for the yard? That's ambitious! Business must be more than booming. Who would've thought scrap metal could be so in demand? Wow. Well, that's great, Duo. So, uh, good luck and, uh, tell the guys I said hello."

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Click.

*Beep!*

5:52pm

"Ok, who is Clarice? Ahem, you, um, have a new roommate to clean up after you? Oh, wait! Duh, is that the secretary? Tell her I'm sorry. I only sent the mail because I couldn't email you. By the way, Duo, email? Fix it."

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Click.

*****

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December 1st, 3:20pm

"Hey, um, Duo. Wow, I haven't heard from you in two months - that's even longer than usual. I figured, what with the new yards opening or trying to open, maybe you wouldn't be home much, you know, but um . . . I don't know. I hope you're doing well. Tell Clarice (whoever she is), to keep up the good work, I know how you are with paperwork. 

"Anyways, the semester is almost over and I have a feeling these final exams are going to kill me! Earth was heaven, by the way. Why had you never told me just how gorgeous that place is? It's okay, I've got pictures and lots of stories to tell once the semester is over! I can't wait to come back home for Winter Break. It's great being here and all, but sometimes a girl misses her junkyard. Later!"

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Click.

*****

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December 7th, 1:23pm

"Hey, kid. School's almost over? Time flies, I guess. When exactly are you coming home? I'm asking because I was planning on taking a little trip this month and uh . . . so yeah. Clarice and I . . . About Clarice . . . She's not my secretary, Hil. She's, I mean, from time to time we go out, keep each other's company. With you gone, there's not too many people hanging around. Anyways, we're going north for a week or two, and I just want to know when you'll be in town.

"Don't worry too much about those exams. You always do great at stuff like that!"

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Click.

*****

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December 7th, 6:16pm

. . . 

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Click.

*Beep!*

6:18pm

. . . 

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Click.

*Beep!*

6:30pm

"Hey Duo! I got your message!

"Hey, just . . . Just don't worry about when I'll be in town! Go on vacation, you and, uh, Clarice. Take as much time as you want! Have fun. I'm, uh, thinking about going down to Earth again. Taking my time to tour, go wherever, y'know? So, um. Just go. I'll call you - leave a message - whatever, once we've both settled down again.

"Have a safe trip."

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Click.

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That was your last message. To view this message again, press 1 . . .


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